


like i'm gonna lose you

by behradtarazi



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Heartbreak, How Do I Tag, Post LoT S1, Secret Relationship, Time Travel, god this is fucking sad okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 12:26:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19085011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/behradtarazi/pseuds/behradtarazi
Summary: here's a good thing about time travel: you can go back and see your dead boyfriend.here's a bad one: you cannot save him.ORin which barry and iris steal one last night with their lost love.





	like i'm gonna lose you

   how do you grieve someone that you weren’t supposed to love?

   that’s the question barry and iris found themselves asking, when the legends had belatedly delivered the news of leonard’s death and there was a pause in the fighting, for once.

   their relationship with leonard...it hadn’t been a secret, exactly, but they hadn’t been sure how to tell the rest of team flash. it wasn’t like they could simply walk up to their friends one day and say, ‘oh, by the way, we’re in a committed relationship with a dangerous former criminal.’ joe would have had a heart attack.

   but what excuse were they supposed to give when someone said peachy at the breakfast table and barry almost burst into tears? when iris broke the handle of her coffee mug at the sight of the cold gun?

   how do you explain heartbreak when no one knows your heart’s been broken?

   you don’t, was the answer that barry and iris settled on.

   you don’t, you stay at home curled up with the only person who understands, and you try not to sob and fail miserably, because all that you can think about is _him,_ his soft touch and the scars covering his back and the ghost of his kiss on your cheek.

   hours later, both of their heads pounding with that headache that so often accompanied crying until you could cry no more, iris gently pulled barry closer to her, resting their foreheads together in an almost tragic version of the romantic, picture-perfect gesture.

   they was an almost peaceful silence for a moment, and barry was hesitant to break it, before giving in and softly asking, “do you think he knew we loved him? i just...i wish i’d said it more often, y’know?”

   iris was almost taken aback by the first question - barry was one of the most affectionate people she had ever met, and leonard never got away from a date with them without being drowned in kisses and hugs. but then she knew what he meant, the regret and the worry that they hadn’t done enough with the time they had gotten, because, god, they had expected to have so much more time together, so much more.

   “i...think so,” she said, a sliver of doubt sneaking into her mind. “i hope so. we did say it a lot, barr. but -”

   “- it might not have been enough,” he finished, and she nodded, wishing that there was no way that that thought was true. but they couldn’t know that, could they? leonard was almost always unreadable, and even more time with him might not be enough to confirm it.

   barry still wanted to try, though.

   and it wasn’t just for guilt or for fear, wasn’t just to assure himself and iris that they had been good partners. he wanted it for leonard, didn’t want to even chance existing in a world where the love of their life died without knowing how much they cared, when they cared enough to break every rule they tried so hard to follow.

    it was because of longing, too, the way that he had felt like half of his world went grey when he heard the news, how he would give anything to hold leonard in his arms one last time.

    “i need to see him again, iris.”

    she didn’t immediately shut the idea down, and he took that as a good sign. time travel was risky as hell, and fucking it up could do a lot of bad, but the legends did it all the time, right? just this once, it would be fine. it was only one night.

    (he knew how much damage ‘only one night’ could do, but he wasn’t sure that he cared at the moment, which was a dangerous sign.)

    finally, after a few moments of deliberation, iris cracked, and said, “...alright. but we have to talk to sara about this first, plan it out and make sure that there aren’t any avoidable consequences. i don’t want to hurt other people just because we want a few more hours with len. deal?”

    barry managed a small smile, giving her a quick kiss. “deal.”

-

    sara wasn’t too surprised when barry and iris told her that they had been dating leonard.

    they were a lot more blatantly in love than they thought.

-

    august 15th, 1971.

    the legends had touched down to make repairs to the waverider, laying low in a tiny, almost worrisomely idyllic town for a few days, and, according to sara, it was the perfect time to visit leonard.

    that didn’t stop barry and iris from worrying though, turning over all of the ways that this could go horribly, horribly wrong in their minds, before they paused at the top of a hill overlooking the town, hands intertwined tightly together.

    “this is going to go fine, babe,” iris said, for her own comfort as much as barry’s.

    barry nodded, and then spotted leonard walking back towards the waverider. he had to take a moment, soaking in just how _alive_ their boyfriend was, and holding back the tears that threatened to well up in his eyes. squeezing iris’s hand, he called out, “leonard! len, over here!”

    the man in question froze when he heard his name, wariness and confusion washing over his face, then tilted his head slightly when he turned towards the direction barry’s voice had come from and spotted the clearly out of place duo. climbing the hill with long, confident strides, a hint of a smile flitted across leonard’s face as he came to a stop in front of barry and iris. but that momentary happiness was hidden a moment later in that frustrating way of his, replaced by something carefully neutral. “what are you two doing -”

    he didn’t get the chance to finish the question, because iris cut him off with a bone-crushing hug, burying her face in his shoulder. his coat smelled of sandalwood, as it always had, and that small familiarity only served to break her heart more.

    giving barry a confused look over her shoulder, leonard wrapped his arms around iris, then pressed a light kiss to the top of her head. not even a second later, barry joined the embrace, pulling both of them tightly to him.

    eventually, reluctantly, barry let the two of them go, iris starting to pull away from leonard before stopping when the ex-criminal kept his arm wrapped firmly around her waist. leonard didn’t know what was going on with them (though he was determined to find out), but he did know that his partners needed him, and he wasn’t going to let them go so easily. he reached out for barry with his free hand, then gave him a soft kiss, another smile ghosting his lips at the speedster’s surprise.

    “now, would you mind telling me what’s gotten the two of you all upset?”

    barry shot iris a slightly panicked look, but she only shook her head slightly and then lied smoothly, saying, “we just missed you, that’s all. can’t we visit?” it was only partially a lie, but leonard still didn’t buy it.

    “of course,” he said, hiding his skepticism. “you know i’m always happy to see you two.” the note of fondness in his voice didn’t go unnoticed, and barry gave him a bright smile, ignoring the painful little voice in the back of head reminding him that all of this would be gone soon, gone forever.

    but they weren’t in 1971 to warn leonard. they couldn’t do that, no matter how much they wanted to, how much every instinct they had was screaming to take leonard back home to their apartment with them, to keep him far, far away from the waverider and the legends and the time masters and the oculus.

    no, they were only there for one last night.

    one last night.

    maybe this would hurt more than it would heal.

-

    there wasn’t a moment that night when leonard was left completely to himself, without barry or iris right by his side, his partners acting even more loving and attentive than usual.

    and so by the end of the first hour, he knew that he would die - how, he had no clue, but he knew that he would die. it was, after all, the only logical explanation for everything he had observed so far.

    the tears in barry’s eyes at the beginning, when he thought leonard couldn’t see.

    the all-too-familiar look of pain that washed across iris’s face when he mentioned the future, just as a test.

    it was the little things adding up that let him know that he died, and that it was agony for his partners. or, at least, it was painful enough that they broke the no more time travel rule to see him again.

    he would be lying if he said that the concrete proof of their love didn’t warm his heart slightly.

    you see, barry and iris had always been affectionate, had always told him that they loved him, and leonard had never implied to them that he thought otherwise. but he was plagued by insecurities, not that he would ever admit to it, the only remains of a father and one or two failed relationships that had taught him that love was, at best, an unnecessary vulnerability, and, at worst, a death sentence.

    it seemed as if this love would be a death sentence, but for once leonard was alright with that.

    because it was real. it was real, so real that it hurt, so real that his heart ached in his chest at the thought alone of losing it.

    bartholomew henry allen and iris ann west loved _him, captain fucking cold_ , and that was enough for leonard.

    (he would die with their names on his lips, half confession and half prayer, a warming thought that might have managed to save his soul, in the end.)

-

    there was a small, empty cottage on the outskirts of the town, and, though barry had protested slightly, leonard had no qualms about picking the laughably simple lock and claiming the place as theirs for the night, and iris clearly wasn’t planning on stopping him.

    barry crossed his arms when they stepped inside, sulking in the corner for a moment before leonard gave him a slightly exasperated look. “calm down, scarlet,” he said. “it’s not like we’re going to rob the place. although, now that i mention it…”

    iris laughed, giving leonard a quick kiss with a kind of brightness and joy on her face that killed all of barry’s arguments before he even got a chance to say them. he hadn’t been sure that he would see that look on her again, not after len’s death. but maybe he’d been wrong about that - he hoped that he was wrong about that.

    it was all too easy to forget that this last night was a one time only type deal.

    leonard gave barry a small, slightly smug smile, at ease and comfortable in their new loving, mildly criminal environment in a way that he never thought he would be.

    he was home.

    here, with the loves of his life, breaking the law in a time and place that wasn’t their own, was home.

    it was a little fucked up, but he’d never claimed to be normal.

    iris clapped her hands, heading further into the house. “i’m going to explore,” she announced. “try not to fight too much while i’m gone.”

    len chuckled, and barry had to smile softly, crossing over to his boyfriend and wrapping his arms around his waist. “‘ve missed you,” he admitted, “a lot.”

    “missed you, too,” leonard replied, his voice barely above a whisper. “i’m...glad you two came to visit.”

    before their conversation could continue, however, they were interrupted by the nearby sound of music, coming from the part of the cottage iris had ventured into. barry couldn’t quite place the song, but len recognized it almost immediately, a hauntingly familiar remnant of a short moment of peace - it was can’t take my eyes off of you by frankie valli, and he found himself smiling again as he pulled barry with him to go figure out the source of the noise.

    they found iris a room away, delightedly looking through a stack of records she had stumbled upon and humming along to the music. she turned when they appeared, offering an inviting hand as she said, “come dance with me.”

    barry laughed, and len complied, stepping forwards and taking her hand, putting his free one on her waist and smiling again when she grinned up at him.

    “i never thought of you as the dancing type,” she said, letting him lead as barry started to softly sing along to the music in the background, leaning against the wall.

    “this is only for you, iris,” he replied smoothly, and she chuckled, resting her head on his chest.

    “you’re such a softie, you know that?”

    “always.”

    if there was one thing barry regretted now, it was not bringing a camera along with them. watching iris and leonard dance, carefree and _so fucking alive,_ was the kind of moment he wanted to keep forever, to replay like his favorite musicals, the scene that would forever be playing in his mind.

    iris, on the other hand, was only glad that she could hear len’s steady breaths, could feel the double beat of his heart, glad that she could have this with him, that if the universe decided that this wasn’t the world where he lived, at least she had this.

    len was simply happy that they were smiling again.

    it felt strange, knowing that they were from a time without him. it didn’t quite cheapen the moment, exactly, knowing that he was almost being used for their comfort, but it made it hurt, in a way.

    he would leave them. he had to.

    there was nothing that any of them could do to change that.

    but until then, the music played on, and so they danced.

-

    at first, barry and iris almost tried to pack a thousand lifetimes, a thousand nights together into one evening, a desperate rush to give leonard all that they could before they had to go home to an empty grave and a missing piece of their hearts.

    but rushing things had never been his style, and so they took their time, and it meant more that way.

    they had wanted to tell him that they loved him, after all, and they did just that, with as many actions as words.

    when they curled up in bed together, leonard had pressed kisses to iris’s forehead as they all whispered their goodnights, promising that he wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye.

-

    when they woke up in the morning, he was already gone.

-

    it almost felt like it had all been a dream, when barry and iris came back to the 21st century, not even a minute after they had left.

    they couldn’t know if they had changed anything, so maybe it had been one, nothing but a fantasy summoned by heartbreak and grief and longing, achingly realistic but ultimately fake.

    leonard was gone.

    he was gone, and he left nothing behind, nothing but a mark on barry’s neck and a strange weight in iris’s pocket that almost definitely had not been there before their rendezvous.

    frowning slightly, she reached into her pocket, and pulled out - oh.

    _oh._

    barry felt the air leave his lungs, and iris had to fight back tears, biting the inside of her cheek and looking away from the two items.

    they were golden rings, shining softly in the light of their apartment, simply decorated but still the most stunning things either of them had ever seen.

    “god, i hope he didn’t steal them,” barry muttered without quite realizing it, and iris laughed through her tears, her smile weak and brittle.

    “you know he did.”

    “well, i’m not going to give them back.”

    he didn’t.

    the next day, they bought two matching golden chains.

    leonard’s rings would lay over their hearts, always.


End file.
